I feel so ridiculously thoughtful right now... I couldn't even explain it if I tried... but I'm sure I'll remember this day if I look back on it and remember it as the day I went to the "Showdown" competition at the Undergrounds... Binghamton's annual singer/song-writer competition. It was beautiful. Everyone was so different in their styles, emotions, inspirations... My friend is a finalist and in 1st place as of right now... and then we went back to my friend Glenn's room, hung out, and took turns playing the guitar and singing to each other, and it was just beautiful. Then we walked back to Hillside, and I got in a really deep conversation with Dave. Then, as I was saying goodbye... to Dave and Sarah, I just felt like... everything was so beautiful... I was brought to tears by this. Everything is so beautiful... ... It just is.

Edit: I may or may not have been high while writing this. You decide...

I'm so glad I have changed from the person who used to write these entries in such a decisive, virtuous-driven way. I am still very abstract, and I still write that way ... and I still have my moral-backing, but no longer do I write in such a ridiculously... "I AM GOING TO DO THIS BECAUSE THIS IS RIGHT" way. I just do it. There's no reason to affirm myself. ... I don't really know how to describe it. I think I just don't care... and I don't care who sees it either?

I find my past entries annoying... lol. I guess those years were the times I really needed to find out what it meant to be me... and now I'm just being me... I have dealt with a lot of trials lately, but really, I feel the most comfortable I ever have with my life, and who I am. I don't really need to think about it, but instead what actions I want to take.

Yeah, I feel a bit lonely... but there really is no other choice for me.

I changed my relationship status to "It's complicated" on Facebook in hopes of dissuading people from wanting to be with me... (It is actually sort of depressing when I've already reached my resolve and yes, I am lonely, and yes, it is tempting)... It didn't work..., but then, as a joke, my friend and I linked profiles and are now 'complicated' together. The funny part? She's actually a Lesbian (while I am not). So, I decided I'm going to start recording love songs for her and periodically posting them on her wall or tagging her in them on my page. My first will be "The Girl" by City and Colour, given that our relationship is long distance. After a few months of this, I'm going to record, "Wanna grow old with you" from The Wedding Singer and propose to her via Facebook. However, at the end, I'm going to change it from Julia to Pamela, so I'll say... "Pamela, will you marry me?" It'll be awesome.

I'm up late because I have a paper to write.

I have two to write actually. I don't know if I'm going to get an adequate amount of sleep tonight.

My past few days have been weird.

I was asked out by a long-time friend, kind of out of the blue. Same night... I was hit on in an adorably shameless way via e-mail from someone in my soc class... wtf? This brings me to the point that I've been thinking about for a while: Given my situation, if gods existed, they would be laughing at my situation, or at least finding amusement in it. Also, it's crazy how changing just a few things about my appearance makes me look so much better and it really shows in how people look at me... I don't know.

I had a really huge migraine last night, and Kevin told me to rub my temples (we're trying to be friends again), and I felt suddenly sad because Jan used to do that for me. Do you know what it's like having to break up with someone who is a genuinely kind person but you just know it won't work out? Do you know what it's like to endure them going into a mindset that they have to to get over it, and watching them start to hate you and think you were a terrible person, and then sort of shift to a more neutral, albeit still biased view? It's annoying because I gave him a lot of myself. I made sure people were there for him, and I'm pretty sure I pushed him to do a lot of things he needed to, and become a lot of who he needed to be... He's more social now, and you know what, I'm glad for it, but it hurts that he sees me the way he does. Why do people need to have the mindset they do about things just to get over them? Sigh. This is my major flaw here: I can't just do that. If I was able to do that, my life would be pretty much drama-free. I would have stopped talking to Tom the first time I tried to (but he called me and told me we needed each other)... I would have broken up with Jan much sooner, I would have started to have whatever mindset I needed to get over Nick... I would not have spoken to Kevin again, or forgave him ... AGAIN ... and still tried to make things work... I wouldn't be holding out. Well, you know... mindset is everything. So there. I really missed having someone there for me, and I get really lonely sometimes, but an empty thing is less than feeling empty, honestly. So... I sleep alone, despite so many different directions I could go. And I really miss sleeping with someone. -_-;;

I found out this morning that they reduced the requirement for English majors from 11 classes to 10, meaning it would have made even more sense to graduate this semester. OH WELL. After my Existential Literature class, I spoke with my Existential Lit professor for two hours with my other friend JP and we talked about so much... about academia and how fucked up it is, etc, but I am going to take an Independent Study class with him next semester, in which I can choose ANY MATERIAL I WANT. I'm excited for that. I need to think about it. What do I want to read most with a brilliant professor? Hmm... The two hours of conversation made me really happy.

Anyway, I went home, and I was tired, so I climbed in bed... but my dreams were terrible. Not scary, or depressing, but just... disturbing. And it felt as though I was not getting any rest. I kept waking up from my dreams... feeling almost nauseated by how inescapable whatever it was somehow became. Eventually, after five hours of this, around 2 am, I got out of bed and texted Nick and we started playing XI for a bit... and I was helping him with his computer problems. I explained my dreams sort of like... an existential journey, and I feel changed after having them... but I would always wake up so disturbed, and restless... and if sleeping is not the one time I can escape my own thoughts, when can I get a rest? It's as though the past few weeks in which I've felt 'okay' with everything have suddenly built up to manifest in my dreams, and it was out of fucking nowhere, and I don't want to feel that in my dreams again. I'm not holding anything in... I'm being honest with who I need to be honest with. So why the dreams? Then I was helping him with his computer problems, and he disappeared... to I don't know where... but now I think I should try to sleep again. =/

Why is this happening? The 'why' question is always so much more interesting than the what.

Love is a complicated term. It manifests in so many different forms, and I refuse to categorize them into words.

But, many of my actions are inspired by 'love', and if I explained a situation to someone not involved, they might not understand the ties I necessarily feel to the situation and why I act the way I do. They may mock me and say, "What the hell are you doing?" But they do not understand the complexities of such simple things... And sometimes, you just have to do something because it 'feels right' to you. Logically, this should only make sense should you have something equal in return to look back to, to rely on, but everything is circumstantial and equal returns become hazy. I care, but I'm hurt -- and I don't show my hurt because I care. It's a weird situation, one that I couldn't even explain in theoretical terms. But, like, if a person relies on you as the closest person to them capable of discussing a certain thing, and you know showing them you are hurt by this small thing would necessarily isolate them from being able to really talk about it with anyone, how is that fair to show them how you feel right then? Sure, in the future, you should... you shouldn't hold it in. But right then? If they are so hurt and they are turning to you... I think you should be there for them without question. I care more than my own personal feelings, right now. I think my ability to be objective in situations like these is truly frightening. It takes a lot out of me after-the-fact, but at the time, it's just so easy.

I've been thinking a lot lately... So many pieces of my past have sort of peered into my present, and potential future. Kevin and I are having issues now, after years of preserving our friendship... Now we're distant in a way that we only were years ago. I found out that Jan is studying abroad next semester and possibly going to Italy the year after that, and since I plan to leave this area and move far away following my graduation, ... if I want to salvage any type of reconciliation (we never really had one), it would need to be now. Like, this month. I feel there's more hope with Jan than there is with the other person I'll likely never see again in my life -- Tom. We had such a huge effect on each other's lives, and as far as I'm concerned, there's not much more to discuss, but I would love to have a face-to-face goodbye like I want with Jan. I don't know how to approach that, or if it's even worth the risk. I know that he'd likely feel wary of it, as I am, but perhaps more. It's a difficult situation to think about because it comes up every now and then in an anecdotal way with the other people I am close to... And that's really tied to the thing I was vaguely discussing up top. My friend wants closure with someone he used to be very close to (but it was other things he said that upset me)... and I told him, "You may never get it, and you need to learn to be okay with that." I have had so many unclosed situations with so many people. Jan specifically knew the phrase 'unresolved conflicts', and somehow... I've accepted it as a piece of life, mostly out of necessity. But... I do want to say goodbye. Like everyone else, I want to hug these people and say, "Thank you for being a piece of my life, and for letting me be a piece of yours." The only difference here is... These people don't exactly like me. =) But why now? Urgency is on me. For some reason, I don't feel the pull with Kevin -- but he was always 'far away'. These people are people I don't see often, if ever... may be once or twice a month, but now I -know- we will never see each other again, and that is what's made it suddenly important to me. Also, I'm curious to see who they have become.

I feel somewhat detached from my friends here -- like, "Oh, I love you, but I'm leaving and it won't destroy me..." but there's so much more about ACTUALLY leaving that makes something more solid, and more real. I think I'll break down and cry when I say goodbye to even my mere acquaintances. Sure, I always knew when I came here... I would be leaving in a few years, but... it's something about actually leaving, knowing you aren't coming back... and if you do, it's merely as a visitor... it just gets to you. No longer will you see someone in passing; it's just gone. And, it is very different from when I left for college... There was always the, "Well, I'll see you for Thanksgiving!" Or... "See you for Winter break," or, "Let's go on a trip together this summer!" That's disappearing. We are all going to different places, too... so it's everyone, not just my school friends, or home friends... and not just me. It's everything. It's exciting, but frightening. And that's how I feel, you know? Everything will melt away... Like the modernist phrase, "All that is solid melts into air." But not really... because it will be in my mind, but... it won't be here. I'm taking a huge step here, but not necessarily a huge risk... because to say I am taking a risk would be to say there are safer options. No, there are no safer options. I'm not going to Long Island, and I am not staying in Binghamton. Anywhere else will leave me with the same feeling... So... this is it.

This is it.

I was accused of breaking someone's heart and 'leading them on' today. Funny. All the actions I took were inspired specifically by the desire NOT to do either of those two things. Just goes to show ... people will think what they will.

Also, I was called at 7 AM on my land-line by some person with a weird accent and a soft voice threatening to rape me. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. I had to unplug my phone, and I haven't plugged it back in since... mostly out of laziness. Lol. Oh well...

Still a little confused, but... alive, and that's what's important.

I got into a fight with Kevin tonight that was really reminiscent of how we used to fight, back when we dated, before I even knew Tom -- My senior year in HS. We've grown older. We're both a bit more rounded now, a bit more mature, and our conversations are about much more profound things than they were at the time... but, it's difficult to describe how our personalities just don't line up.

He basically tried to take a situation I was in, and the two people involved, and put it into this strong structure of what he thought it was, based on logic. I tried to explain myself as ... yes, being a logical person, but also understanding the complexities in life and being a deconstructionist (as a loose label). He took this to mean that I was being a hypocrite, and misunderstanding what he was saying, and thus trying to put HIM into a structure by criticizing him on what he saw as my structure.

Granted, he had a hard day. So did I... and we were both a bit stressed out, but I realized, in this situation, no one's right. We just aren't clicking. Our ideas aren't melding. It's like... I have to try really hard to get us to 'get' each other. I become exhausted trying to communicate. I offend him, and he offends me, sometimes... because we just aren't understanding where the other one is coming from, and I'm sure I'm just as blind when it comes to him as when it comes to me. And we fight about it. I like not having to 'try' to communicate and it just working. I suppose that's why Jan and I didn't work out, and also why I didn't feel a very strong attachment to him, ever. On the contrary, it's likely why Tom and Nick's relationships have meant so much to me -- I felt like I didn't have to try to communicate. Granted, I didn't really get Tom... even if I thought I did, and I probably never will, but I still feel that way about Nick and I'm afraid our situation is going to absolutely destroy that... I guess that's what I'm most afraid of involving the last entry I wrote; I'm afraid this drama will destroy what made it so special in the first place.

It's stupid, but him and I both watch "The Office." Ever since he equated one of the many relationships on that show (Michael and Holly) to our situation -- She had to move away even though they were PERFECT for each other because of unchangeable circumstances -- I can't stop relating it myself. At the end of the last season, Michael said he believes they're meant for each other, and he's okay with waiting if that's what it takes. Nick told me that's how he felt about the situation. Now, I see the lives of two fictional TV characters as MUCH MORE PERSONAL than I ever did before. In more recent episodes, their past relationship has been mentioned. Michael tried to date someone new but realized she wasn't what he wanted, and broke it off. I saw the most recent episode tonight after it came out online and he called me just as I started watching it, so I linked him to the site I found it on and he watched it too. We spoke about it afterward and somehow the conversation drifted to me thinking that Andy and Erin (another budding romance) is going to be the 'new' suspenseful romance that we're all waiting to see... and he brought up Michael and Holly. Again, it's stupid, but he was so insistent that they were going to get back together... and here I argued against him. "But, she's so far away! It's so improbable! She's not coming back." And, of course, he was opposed. "You just don't get it. It's too perfect." His favored phrase was... "You just don't get it." I'm sure he knows the weight of his words. But why push it? I doubt they will get back together, if not because of the show, because of the fact that the actress seems unlikely to return. She just had a baby and has other projects to worry about. For a third time: It's stupid, but somehow if they got back together, I'd feel just a little bit better about the situation.

I thought about it and the real thing here is that I know if I don't end up with him, I will have to stop being his friend. That's why I'm afraid and hurt. It's not a question of, "If I can't be with you, I don't want to know you," but rather, "I can't be as close to you as I am now if I can't be with you." The reason? I would need to move on if things did not happen to work out between us. I would need to look for that 'something special' in someone else... And, if I see it in him, I won't want to look, and I will only be tortured and standing still. So, really, we'll both be making a choice. Meanwhile, if we are able to have our friendship the way we want to have it, it will surely bother and hurt her, thus creating problems with their relationship... meaning he'll either have to sever what he has with her, or with me, because they'll argue about it or he'll have to give me up. What really frightens me is how much urgency is on us. He is specifically staying in Florida longer than he had planned just to see how it would be like living near me. He wants to eventually move to Boston, a place I heard I would love, but I would not follow him there if we were not dating. Eventually, he'll need to choose. Eventually, I'll have to choose. So, this situation will not resolve itself in a way where we can have an in-between. It's sad, but the reason our bond has been so strong and we've still had feelings for each other is the fact that we're far away -- because yes, it's theoretical. But, once it is not... it won't be able to be this way. It will have to go one way or the other for us to be okay, and I know it.

I have a lot more to say... mostly inspired by my Existential Literature class, but this is all for now.

I feel very good about myself lately. I'm doing really well in my classes, or... at least... the ones I know about. Haha. I got into a Creative Non-Fiction class that was selective with a portfolio I came up with on the spot... (It's a FB note of mine if you want to see.) I reactivated my FFXI account and have been playing a bit of WoW to keep in touch with people. Kevin visited last weekend... Uh... I'm writing a new song... I'm going to be in a quintet for the Madrigal Dinner we're having next month... In general, things are going well.

However, for the past month, something has been eating away at me... and when I say eating... quite literally. I haven't had more than four-six hours of sleep a night (minus afternoon naps) since last month, when Nick visited. There have been only two days I've slept more than that, and those days I slept 10+ hours, usually 12. Today, I slept from 7am to 6pm... Why have I had trouble sleeping? Well, soon after Nick left last time, he admitted he still had feelings for me... well, I shouldn't really say admitted... I didn't ask... He just felt like telling me... and ugh. I just kind of wish he hadn't. So began a month-long saga of me trying to be okay with the fact that he's still with someone despite this situation getting 10x more complicated than it used to be. He broke up with her when I said I couldn't handle talking to him under all of this, but got back together with her when he realized how there was no reason to break up with her if I was so far away (for now) and they had no problems besides him still having feelings for me... Well, that's the gist of it anyway. It's sort of funny because I specifically said NOT to break up with her... Ugh. >_<;;

Now, I'm just trying to deal with myself. I'm not letting it ruin school for me... or my many clubs, but the reason I have trouble sleeping is because it's on my mind... and I really don't know what to do about it. It's a lose/lose situation. Talking to him hurts, but not talking to him hurts more. It's a situation that won't change by talking about it, so most of the conversations that involve it sort of go like this: "I'm hurt." "I know you're hurt, and I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it." "I know, but I just want you to know what's going on in my mind." "I know, but there's nothing I can do about it." Etc. He's suggested I date other people... something I was never going to do when I knew I was leaving in the first place. I can't handle another 'long distance' thing, let alone one I know I'm knowingly starting knowing I'm going to move away. So, him and his feelings changed nothing on that end. I don't want to start anything here.

Another thing that's bothering me is her. My views on her have lightened up a lot, and honestly, I sympathize with her A LOT. It's usually empathize, but this time, it's sympathize. I've been with multiple people before who weren't over their ex, or someone they used to be really close with who I just couldn't seem to compare to. Tom was the first, and his first love. He never did really get over that until after we broke up. Then there was Jan, and his. Dating someone you know is not over someone they used to really feel for is really fucking hard. And, so, I really feel like shit knowing she's in this situation. Usually, I'd be the sacrificial person and say, "It's ok. Go ahead. I'll keep my distance. Be happy," but somehow... here, I don't feel like I want to be sacrificial. I think it's a point in time where I don't want to give this up. And that's a little scary. I'm not sure about it. But when I'm there, and she knows me... and she KNOWS I'm 'competition' even if I don't want to seem that way, it's just going to suck, and it's all going to suck...

And I wish there was a way I could feel better about this. It's hard when your best friend tells you he loves you and sees you being together someday and then says that someday isn't today and you just have to deal with it. Who do you talk to about it when your best friend is the person you normally would? Seriously? And, I don't exactly like talking to people about this because this summer really showed me how some people might hate it but just don't say a word... So, I keep to myself. And... we're both subjective about it, so who? Who is there really to go to?

People have told me -- given this situation -- that I am being very strong. That... they would be 'overwhelmed with anger and despair' if they were here... They don't know how I deal with it. But I do. And I wonder why. =/ It's not an easy choice. There is no solution in which I'll be completely content -- with or without him in my life. So I just have to accept the situation as it is -- which was easy when I thought we never had a chance together... but now? WTF.

My next song is going to be about how life is more than who you are, but the circumstances you are in. Yes, it's totally inspired by this situation... and that's something that has always baffled and intrigued me. I already started writing it. I'm also giving music to Kevin's lyrics.

My 8th grade teacher wrote in my yearbook... "Shaina... How could I ever forget you? Forgetting you would be like forgetting a piece of myself..."

I now relate to that phrase a lot more than I did then, even if I did find it clever at the time.

I handed in my 27-page collaborative essay today... and then started the group presentation on the same subject, along with my three other team-mates. It went really well... despite the fact that I was on two hours of sleep, because I couldn't fall asleep until 6/6:30 AM... and I had to wake up at 8:30 to finish editing our paper because I'm the only English major in our group (in an UD English class, which was interesting to note...)

However, what really interested me the most was the feedback we got. After our "Team Led Events," each person in the class is asked to fill out an evaluation that gets very specific at asking how the team did... and even asks how each person individually did, so... for the first time in a long time (if ever), I was able to see how people objectively thought about me as a presenter... A lot of comments about all of us were that we were all loud and clear enough to hear (which was a problem with some other groups), but some people spoke about me and one team member in specific as being the 'leaders' of the discussion, or as her being the leader with me being the support and the other two being even more support. They thought all of us were well-prepared, but some things people said about me that they did not say about anyone else was the way in which I was 'enthusiastic' or 'passionate', and how I brought my own personal interpretations to the table, which made things insightful and interesting. A few said I facilitated discussion. One person mentioned I needed to be a bit more confident, which I found interesting, because perhaps they took my skeptical-about-everything mindset and interpreted it as a lack of confidence.

Most of all... this is important to me because, two years ago, at the very least, I had incredible social anxiety. All throughout high school, I had incredible social anxiety. At some point -- and I remember the moment but not the context -- I decided, "Fuck it. I'm done being anxious" and threw it all out the window. Now, I am completely comfortable in every situation, and even make light of how it may be awkward for other people... but not for me. I am completely comfortable presenting, and engaging the class. The mindset of, "Fuck my limitations. I will get past them -- there is no such thing as incapability!" is something I really love about myself. It has driven me to overcome many things -- even some specific obstacles I KNEW I had issues with... such as social interaction, or just oral presentation in general. It is the reason I am able to pick up instruments and just 'learn' them, why I taught myself how to make decent websites, how I learned to write for commercial/marketing purposes, how I learned how to use photoshop and make interesting pieces of art involving it. It's why I became a writer, and why I do not accept boundaries. No, I see beyond them. I love that about myself, and I suppose that's what today really meant to me...

So, it was interesting to see how people judged me based on presentation alone... That's all. I'm extremely tired. I mentioned I was only on two hours of sleep as one of our classmates left the room, and she mentioned she couldn't tell at all. That's good.

I'm a bit worried. I've been having a lot of trouble focusing lately... and that's sort of really detrimental to my hyper-focusing periods of getting a lot of shit done at once. I'm afraid for my grades... mostly because I know a lot is coming and I just can't focus. It's not that my ADD has gotten any worse... it's just that there's been so much on my mind, distracting me. It takes a lot of energy to keep my thoughts at bay, and if they are particularly bad thoughts, I lack the energy to use it towards critical thinking.

This has been an emotionally exhausting week...

Uncertainty is always much more upsetting than certainty, though, and now that I have my answer... at least I can sleep at night knowing it, rather than wondering. I really haven't written about it here, at all, and many people do not know, but there has been a lot of uncertainty between someone close to me and myself. The conclusion isn't ideal, but at least it's a conclusion...

Anyway... Tonight was fun. I cut my friend's hair because I mentioned off-handedly that I cut my own hair, so he asked me to do his... and then me, him, and two other friends hung out in my room, passing around the guitar and singing together. We all play guitar, and we are all in Harpur Chorale, so it was fucking awesome. My favorite part though was when one person wanted to leave... Sarah started playing random chords, and we improvised a duet about how that person shouldn't leave... well, more than one duet... LOL. It was awesome. We seem to harmonize well... I don't know why...

If I wanted to, I could leave the university in two months with a completed degree in Sociology. (I only need 3 more courses for my English degree). You'd think that would excite... or liberate me.

No, it scares the shit out of me. I don't think I'd leave... but having the option. Wow.

Over the past few years, I've sort of developed a more forward 'no bullshit' attitude than I used to have. I like it. Also, I'm human. I like it.

I like to go back and reflect on my past entries once in a while...

It just so happened that towards the end of October last year is when I posted that gigantic entry calling Tom out on the stuff I knew he was posting privately in his LJ. I'm not going to get into that here. It's water under the bridge...

BUT -- it awoke this thought in my head...

I was talking to Nick the other day about how, even if he doesn't have the best family in the world -- how even if he is so different from everyone else in his family, he still owes them in some sort of sense because he learned from their example how to be... or how not to be. Like in Meditations where Marcus learns values from different people, but not necessarily because they HAVE those qualities or values, he learned who he wanted to be -- and became it.

How is this relevant to Tom?

Well... it's been a year since any open 'action'. Our last argument, as far as I can remember, happened shortly after my seeming veiled threat of an entry -- admittedly made out of frustration. Now, I can look at the situation and say... You know what... We may never speak again. We may have made each other's lives miserable for months... or even years. We may have hindered each other's potential progress, and we may have worked off each other in ways that we'll never work off other people again... We may have created reputations for each other that we simply can't take back, and situations that cannot be undone... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT... After ALL OF THIS -- we owe each other. Why? Because we were a very large part of who we became in college... who we transitioned into. Our morals were tried, formulated, and reformulated to fit the situation, and the conclusion.

So, even when someone treats you like SHIT (and I'm not referencing Tom here, but ANYONE), you STILL owe them a piece of yourself. Isn't it beautiful how society sort of works that way? We all work together -- like limbs to a body... as Durkheim would say... or Aurelius, ... they both use the analogy of body parts making up society ... lol.

So, in a sense, I have left pieces of myself everywhere... and Tom and I will never forget each other. It's not a good or bad thing -- it's just a thing. We will never forget each other because doing so will sort of be like forgetting ourselves. This reminds me of something someone once said to me... I had a teacher in 8th grade who wrote in my yearbook something along the lines of... "Shaina... How could I ever forget you? Forgetting you would be like forgetting myself." And... it's true. I look forward to having some sort of talk with him about this in the unforeseeable future, just to see where we went with our lives.

People don't know how to react to situations involving people with such a strong history. I went to a leadership conference on Saturday and Tom was there, and I sort of figured he would be... as he is a president of a group and I'm a VP and Secretary of two others... But when I called my friend to let him know I was slightly late, he kept referencing how, "Oh, you don't want to come... trust me..." And, well, he sort of assumed I would care. I didn't care. I'm pretty sure Tom didn't care either. On a similar note, people don't know how to deal with Jan and I either... and on an even more interesting note... I am either VERY GOOD friends with my ex's... Nick is honestly my best friend -- the person I talk to about anything who will always get it, and he can do the same and know I'll always get it, and Kevin is a close friend... or... they are not on speaking terms with me at all. This is sort of a mutual agreement with Tom, but with Jan... it's more of a... he can't 'handle' being friends. When I was dating him, I told him how much it bothered me that someone who was once so close to me would never speak to me again (when I was really torn up about the Tom thing) and he promised he'd never do that. He broke that promise. I called him out on it and he said, "I'm sorry... but I just can't do it." I guess he just didn't understand the weight of his words then.

You know... it's actually sort of refreshing to reflect on the past once in a while. I don't think about it much, but it connects the threads of yesterday to the threads of today, and forms a clear path for tomorrow.

I have been feeling sort of anxious lately. It's a weird feeling... Nothing has been left undone... There is no reason, but yet... I feel that way.

I started working on a second song. I can't seem to get past the first line in my head... though the story behind it already rings clear.

It will be about someone dying... and the speaker/singer lamenting about what they should have said while they were alive. Perhaps they will regret leaving them, or perhaps they will regret some action that could have vaguely constituted their death... but the most likely and realistically relevant situation will have been that they died with words unsaid or heard, and the song itself would be, "This is what I should have said to you."

But... the weird thing is... It's not directed at anyone. I have plenty of people in my life that are... no longer part of my life, yet it does not feel personal involving anyone I know... It's as though I am someone interpreting another person's feelings and thoughts and writing it for them... It's quite odd... but that's what it is.

During my last song, it was sort of about Nick, well... written in the lens of when we were dating, and I tried really hard not to think about it -- but honestly... this song really has no personal linkage that I can think of. So... I don't know. =/

I've felt anxious... perhaps this is it... but honestly, I have had a lot of difficulty dealing with 'unresolved things' in the past... and I don't really care right now.

Perhaps I am looking for a reason to say, "I am anxious because of this reason..." when there may not be a reason. I'm not sure.

I told Nick today that I don't want to hear about his girlfriend anymore when they have problems... that when he tells me he wishes he were closer to her, that she understood him better, that he could talk to her about more things than he does, that it hurts me. He apologized... but, I've tried to tell him before, and he's understood, but he does it anyway. WHY does he feel a need to complain to me about her? Why? I never want to know, and I never ask, and I never step on his toes involving his relationship. I don't get it.

I'm exhausted. I need to put laundry away and I have a rough week ahead of me. I feel sort of different from how my life has been. Perhaps it's because I'm living in a place that is different from the last three years, but that can't be it. I feel older... dare I say 'more mature'. I won't let my mind settle, though. It will never settle.

Edit: I didn't intend for the title to be misspelled, but I'm going to leave it that way because it has a double meaning now... hah.

I didn't mention before, but last weekend, when Nick was here, we got into a conversation about ... well, I don't even know how it started, but at some point it came to the fact that I was a Sociology and English major, and "What the fuck am I going to do with that?" Then he said... "I have the PERFECT story for you to write..." And described to me something he's been thinking about for a long time, but knows he will never have the time to write. To be trusted by someone else that you will articulate their story in the right way is truly something... So, I agreed. I already started writing it. The tentative name of the main character is the first name of the teacher I blew off when I suddenly felt the urge to write... and that urge must not be halted.

Now, here's the really cool part. As I have mentioned before, he is a great musician. In the past, he has been sort of pulled into projects he didn't entirely feel organically, but this new project is going to be completely his own: He's going to make an album to supplement the story I write... Perhaps it will tell the story; perhaps it will fill in the cracks... I'm not sure, but it will definitely be linked. There are two examples I can think of off the top of my head that this could seem similar to. One is "De-Loused in the Comatorium" by The Mars Volta. They took a short story and made it into an album. Also similar, but not the same, is, "The Hazards of Love" by The Decemberists. I don't know if this story was written before the album, but the album tells a story.

So -- it's so fucking awesome that we're doing this together... collaborating our strengths to making something amazing. Also, the fact that I am knowledgeable about music and he is knowledgeable about literature will allow us some room to branch over into each other's projects...

Fucking awesome, right?

I have always been a person who would rather know things than not know them. Sometimes, though, it's hard... but I would never erase the things I am aware of. It's just life... and it makes me who I am... Who we are. So for now... I hold steadfast to my ideals.

Not much has gone on with me... though there is a lot on my mind.

Fight a passive-aggressive battle with me and I will win... not through action, or return of passive-aggressiveness, but through inaction and, when appropriate, bluntness. I'm sort of 'known' for having a 'no bullshit' attitude, and some love this and others are incredibly intimidated by it. I have a personality that isn't easily hurt by people I am not extremely close to, so when someone has a problem with me or something I do, it is not uncommon for them to be afraid to say it. There are a few examples I could bring up in which people are INCREDIBLY justified in feeling this way (due to past explosions or actions of mine), but there are several people who have never seen me explode or known anyone who has seen me explode, and thus have no reason to think I would... that are too intimidated to say anything.

So how do I win? Well, I just don't care... If I, say, walk out of my room and see someone I know has been bitching about me behind my back... and I sincerely say hi, and she just stares at me, I can guarantee that she will surely be the most affected in the situation. Why? Because... she's the one holding on to the fact that she is upset with me. I have a very strong stance of, "Look, if you have a problem with me, please tell me. I'm not a bitch; I want to be accommodating, and I hate disturbing people. The most frustrating thing to me is when people do NOT tell me they have a problem, and I need to hear about it behind my back." I can't respect people who don't say anything when I explicitly ask them if they have an issue and they lie about it.

Here's the situation: For months, I have played my guitar, usually with the door closed, at all hours of the day and night. During the day, there is one particular person in my apartment that becomes disturbed by this, and will ask me to stop if it is bothering her. I do stop, or I play quieter, if it does not bother her. During the night (and yes, I know it is inconsiderate to play at night, which will explain the next course of actions of mine), no one has said anything to me about it bothering them. I have asked Natalie and she has told me that she can hear it in the lounge and in her room, but she lives next door... though it usually does not bother her unless she has trouble sleeping or she, too, is studying. This is because Natalie and I are the type of people who can sleep through most things. I know this about her, and I know she'll be honest... However, I did not know if anyone else would be... or if it would bother them, so I have explicitly asked every person (as far as I can remember) if it bothers them at night. Every person has said no; either that they cannot hear it, or it is very feint. Ironically, I think the only person I have not personally asked is the same person who will ask me to stop if she is studying. The reason for this is because I assumed that if she was blunt enough to ask me to stop during the day, you'd think she'd have no problem mentioning it when she has a very legitimate complaint. Now, when I play, it is usually very light, and my voice is very soft too.

That is the back-story for what happened yesterday.

Nick, on the other hand, has a very loud voice, and plays the guitar very heavily. It is significantly louder than when I play it. Last night, before 12 am, the person who usually complains asked me to stop because she was trying to sleep. The door was closed, so she thought it was me... but it was actually Nick playing, who I knew was louder. So, I just told him to play softer, at the same volume I usually do, assuming it would not bother her because she has -never- said something before and the only variable that changed was the volume. Five minutes later, three minutes shy of 12 am, she comes back in a very annoyed tone and says, "Shaina, it's quiet hours. STOP." Actually, it wasn't quiet hours, but I wasn't going to be a bitch and point it out. So I stopped... or, Nick did. On a side note, I am actually incredibly flattered she thought Nick was me... LOL.

So, we went downstairs into the laundry room and played together. Eventually, we came back upstairs and Natalie and I played my song very lightly, and that was mostly it when we were upstairs. We were trying very hard to be soft as to not incur the wrath of my passive-aggressive apartment-mate. She is the one who gave me the death glare as I left my room today. And, back to what I was saying... I simply don't care. If people want to become so upset and affected, that is their OWN choice. They are perfectly capable of saying what's on their mind, or talking it out with me. I won't be bothered by passive-aggression because I believe in putting things out there as they happen, and discussing them with the mindset of, "Let's figure this out because we're friends and we trust each other enough not to want to unnecessarily annoy each other."

There is a bit more about this girl that causes me to feel less sympathy for the way she thinks and how it causes her to act accordingly. This is that ... Well, there are six people in this apartment. A lot of them, like her, apparently don't speak up and just complain once in a while... or so I thought. This annoyed me because, as far as I knew, from what this one particular girl told me (the person I keep mentioning), people would get really annoyed at me and say really mean things... but when I would confront them on it, or... rather, ask them about why they felt that way, they really weren't that upset, and had very few complaints, if any. I figured it was miss-communication, or that people were feeling intimidated by me without previous reason. However... one particular night, I became close with one other girl in my apartment, and we spoke for hours. I found out that the person that had been telling me that other people had problems with me had actually also been telling THOSE people that I had problems with them... when I don't... So, basically, myself and my friend figured out that... the person who had been talking to both sides had been the trouble maker all along... the person causing all the unnecessary drama.

I'm not about to say she is bad-natured... Just that she doesn't understand that what she is doing is harmful. I don't think she's a bitch. It would be easier (or harder) to say that... depending on how I think. If I said she was a bitch, I'd develop animosity towards her... something I have towards very few people. I am sad to admit that I can't say I don't feel that way towards anyone... but it is something I'm working on. Anyway... I don't have animosity towards her. Instead, I am using my energy to try to be understanding of her and why she's doing this... which is trying as well, but not as exhausting. It's more calm.

So... yeah. I do not like when people can't just say what they feel... (Wow, isn't that ironic given my track record of being emotionally retarded? Since when did I develop the ability to speak freely about my emotions?) But, I understand it. So... this is the situation. I don't like when people are passive aggressive.

One last thing to add is... myself and Natalie are sort of the reason she might get into grad school. She asked for help on writing a letter, and we both sat down and discussed it and did it for her -- it was a collaboration. We really improved it from the point it was at... which isn't really something mean to say because she has her strengths and so do we... She's a bio major and, well, I know nothing about biology... But the point is -- I made it very clear... I am her friend; I'm willing to take my time to write an awesome letter for her, so why would she assume I'm just trying to be a bitch, or that I'm as inconsiderate as she thinks I am?

Some things are more important than selfish wants and needs. Despite what everyone thought would happen -- and when I say everyone... I am not exaggerating... -- nothing happened between Nick and myself during his visit. That is, he didn't cheat on his girlfriend; we did not come close to anything like that. So many people doubted that we would control ourselves because... 1, we are exes, and 2, he flew halfway across the country just to visit me for three days. It was probably the best time we've ever had together (rivaling his first visit)... mostly because circumstance didn't make it miserable; I wasn't sick and he didn't let the needless bullshit of his girlfriend get to him... That's a bit unfair to say, actually. She only got upset once, to my knowledge, but still... he didn't let it get him down.

I think our friendship is beautiful... and the fact that we are so mature about it makes it even better. There's this sort of unspoken understanding between us that we never bring up... that we never say... but it's there. Despite the distance, and the situations that have occurred because of it, we are still close... and perfectly willing to go against any preconceived social structure to keep that closeness. The weekend was filled with many things... including, but not limited to... wandering aimlessly through the woods in the middle of the night and the rain, playing pool, watching musical performances, getting a tattoo together, and simply hanging out, sharing music, and having intense deep conversations with more than just ourselves. As we said goodbye, we hugged for such a long time... in fact, I felt really bad for the people in the taxi he was going to take... as they were waiting for this... lol. It was the only time all weekend we touched each other at all with the exception of a friendly tap on the shoulder, etc. I went back into my building and my room and burst into tears, crying harder than I had in a while. I decided to tell him... but before I could text him, he texted me... telling me he almost cried...

This is the type of friendship we have. I have not really seen any relationship in my life as mature as this. We mean so much to each other, yet we accept the boundaries while we must, and we keep things real. I reminded him, as I also reminded myself, that we have to go to our real lives now. We have to return and make sure they are okay. When we dated each other, we sort of neglected our real lives... and that's part of the reason why we broke up. But, we both know what we have to do... so that's what we're doing.

Anyway... this tattoo.

When Nick and I met each other, we were both druids. Well, we still are... I mean this in both senses of the word. It was in WoW I met him... His name was Arilius. I called him out on it. Little did I know our similarity in thoughts and life transcended Marcus Aurelius, one of my favorite philosophers. We both have lived a life of music since we were young... But, this tattoo... Well, we decided to start it with "Mark of the Wild." It is a druid buff in WoW, but I sketched it up to be unique. I sketched up the claw itself, and we spoke about it... and decided to put it on the wrist (my suggestion) and to have maple leaves surrounding it, like the spell "Nourish." I drew the claw itself, but our tattoo artist added everything else via my description a few weeks ago. This wasn't just a WoW tattoo, though. We both -really- like Thoreau, and nature, and I would even go as far as to say we are similar to druids in real life... if that wasn't implying we were 'magic users'.

( Here is the tattoo... )

If you'll notice, our tattoos are slightly different, with the most blaring difference being the fact that the middle of the paw is colored in in his, but not in mine. This was because the tattoo artist never does the same tattoo twice, but I think about it and it makes sense to me. It's sort of like yin and yang. Yin represents the absence of something, and yang the abundance of it. Yang is often associated with the masculine, and yin with the feminine. He is a Leo, and I'm a Cancer (on the cusp of Leo) -- Which is also Sun and moon. So, it REALLY makes sense...

I played him the song I wrote. He understood... and after an entire weekend of being too shy to play for him (he is the reason I started...), I finally did, at the very end. He understood my song...... And, when I played songs we both knew... he sang along. This is important to me because I'm really not that good... He is amazing. (Trust me on this one...) I loved the fact that we sang together... I will follow you into the dark, specifically. It's just all of this unspoken language that makes it great.

But, see, our friendship is the absolute purest thing I know, and it is something I have been looking for throughout my entire life... something like this. I know that I loved my weekend, and though something could possibly happen with us in the future, I really don't care about that... Because this weekend was great without any of that... He thanked me for 'holding on'. Not only is this a direct reference to a lyric on my song, but also something I had been doing for months while he sort of let our friendship slip away. It meant a lot to me that he thanked me.

Now, it's time for real life... again.

So, tonight, I opened up my HS yearbook on a whim:

One of the things written...

"Shaina,

Well, #1, where the hell is my own page?! Seriously though we've gone through a lot, eh? I still remember 9th grade chorus corner sessions and cuddling in Bio lol. I mean, we were bubbly Freshmen, and look at us now, college bound and knowing you and I, we're probably jumping straight into the fray lol. I know that we've been best of friends, and I know we'll stay that way, even when we're at our throats in college lol. I don't really know what to say other than thank you, really. Thank you for being a friend that I can trust, and someone I can connect with... rearrange those two words, the order was odd lol. Have a great summer + see you next year -- literally lol.

Love, Kevin <3"

Irony. I mean... I read on, all of the things written, and I cried... but mostly because of how things have changed... how really, things change and develop in such a way. We've all grown since college in some way, shape, or form. So, our opinions -- our feelings, change... and we forget who we once were, our convictions from those times... our interpretations, our values. I'm not saying they are dramatically changed... but sometimes we lose sight of them.

It's ironic that Kevin would write something like this then claim that we were never close, and our closest was in 9th grade. I have no need to bring it up, though... for words are words... and whatever they represented is long gone. It's just a reminder, though... that I'm -not- crazy. That we were close. It's sad, but it's gone.

It's sort of funny, but... I was going to go to the Crane school of music... and so was he. Neither of us did, and I transferred away from Potsdam completely, but he is the one who drew me the Crane... and I suppose it is the most appropriate thing ever. It's just appropriate. Things go... opinions/interpretations change. And that's it. I suppose my crying wasn't necessarily sad, but accepting. I was accepting this as the nature of the world... neither sad nor good, because it's just what it is. And if it is what it is... it's beautiful.

So goodbye, Kevin. I'll take what I found as a gift -- a gift of remembrance... of a memory. I now have something to look upon if I forget. Similarly, everything else...

I don't feel nostalgic. I'm moving forward. I suppose I'm being a bit more existentialist than I used to be...